"V" is for Victim. "V" is for Victory

“In general, the ability to make sense of tragedy and then find benefit in it is the key that unlocks post traumatic growth.”

Jonathan Haidt, The Happiness Hypothesis

As a continuation to my last post I would like to devote this post to victims of spiritual abuse. My last post was what it was meant to be, an appreciation for the seeming good start by Bethel's admission of wrong, and their committment to change. 

This one is for any victim of abuse. I am a survivor of decades of spiritual abuse. It was not until around 2022 that the effects of the abuse overwhelmed me. When we bottle in our emotions and memories they will eventually come out, and usually when we least expect them, or want them to. Even though I had been seeing the same Christian Counsellor, on and off, for sixteen years, it wasn't until 2024 that we began to work on the symptoms of Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, (CPTSD) which I was diagnosed with. 

CPTSD is different to PTSD in that it includes all of the symptoms of PTSD, but has the added effects of prolonged trauma. More on that in a minute. PTSD occurs from single events (divorce, death of a loved one, car crashes, seeing a traumatic event etc), and is not only for soldiers. I used to be a case manager who worked with Veterans of the Vietnam war to the Afghanistan theatre. Many of them suffered with PTSD because of their experiences. I had twenty one clients, and because of their trauma they had ended up homeless at one point. My role was to keep them housed, and support them with their emotional needs. As I am not a Veteran myself, I respected the boundary of not asking about their deployments. A common phrase among Veterans who are processing the horrors or war is, "You don't understand". That is a true statement. I however could see how PTSD affected their wellbeing and relationships. 

At the time of that role I was unaware of the effects of PTSD in my own life, and I did not even know there was such a thing as CPTSD. Looking back, I can see that I was most definitely operating out of these main symptoms,

• Hypervigilance: Being in a state of high alert, constantly tense and ‘on guard’ and always on the lookout for hidden dangers, both real and presumed, "Who's going to screw me over this time", was my mindset. 
  
  
• Fear of Rejection: The hypervigilance led to a stronghold in me of the fear of rejection. I would cut people out of my life BEFORE they could, and this was out of fear that they would cut me out of their lives. Or, I would behave in a way that led them to cut me out of their life. This made me feel like I was in control because I made them reject me. I am now able to see that this tormented me most of my life. I had to protect myself as much as I could, at all cost.    
  
  
• Reliving Events: Even though a lot of the events were from decades ago, I lived like they only happened last week, and I was still processing them. I was emotionally "raw" all the time. 
  
  
• Limited Empathy: I am a caring person, however due to CPTSD there were certain situations that I just didn't care about. If I did something hurtful, or hurt someone, I had no capacity to care about it. 

These were my symptoms. At the bottom of this post I have added several visual photos that show all the symptoms of PTSD and CPTSD, and you might be able to find where you are in them. 

I am grateful for my time in America because my Christian Counsellor helped me so much. I would recommend that if you are struggling with a one-off traumatic event, like the ones making their rounds on Social Media at present, or prolonged trauma, I would recommend finding a Counsellor. In the UK Church I have found that Counselling is still not embraced as much as it is in the US. In the US the statistic is still daunting, that from every person who has gone through trauma only 1% actually go and get help. Most people try to deal with it personally, or just survive. Seeing a Counsellor is a HUGE matter of trust, and I totally understand that if you have had your trust violated by a pastor or leader, then sometimes that step is difficult. However, it is worth it. Interview as many as you need to until you find someone you trust. Today a lot of sessions can be done on Zoom, so you can stay in the comfort of your home as you begin to unpack your story. 

Don't go to your Pastor for Counselling! See a Counsellor. Pastors, unless they have extensive training in trauma counselling (and most don't), will not be able to help you, no matter how long they've been a pastor. When I was a Pastor, I would let people know when I had reached the end of my ability, and I would recommend they find a Counsellor.

Love yourself, and get some help. Sometimes the best Counsellors are not even Christian. My Counsellor, even though he was a Christian, was not a charismatic like me. I loved that, because I could not use my normal charismatic lingo when I talked to him. In fact, it confused him. I could not share about a vision I had, or an interpretation to a tongue, or the prophesies over my life, as he did not believe those things happened in the church today. This was a gift from God. I had to learn a new language, that my Presbyterian Counsellor helped me with, to explain what was going on inside of me. That took time. But it was worth it. So, if you cannot find a good, down-to-earth, Christian Counsellor, go find an honest, kind, and empathetic non-Christian. God can use anyone to heal you. We trust God with medical Doctors, so you can trust Him to heal through unsaved Counsellors. At the end of the day, all we care about is whether they are effective. I'd prefer a counsellor who hates church but is effective, than one who can quote all the Scriptures, but leaves me sick. Don't worry too much about them being a "Christian". You have to figure out what you are comfortable with.   

Again, I have more to say about this. I earned a Diploma in Counselling and will be working towards my practical hours soon, to gain accreditation. God was able to take me from not knowing about these things to earning a Diploma. This is not the end for you, God will work all things together for good. 

Finally. I have sought the advice of lawyers, I have spoken to journalists and podcasters. BE CAREFUL before you say anything online, or name anyone. If you need to tell your story, seek legal advice first so that you don't get sued. I have chosen not to "tell-all" for several reasons, but the main one is that it is not my fight. Those who wronged me know who they are, and God can take care of that. He will do it out of love, I do not trust that I could do it out of love. Vengence is His, not mine. I deluded myself into thinking I was seeking "Justice!", but it sounded more like "Jihad!". This isn't a holy-war. It's just my story. I trust God. I have just focused on healing. I'll be of more use as a healer than a crusader. That's my story. God may have a different path for you. 

So, let's move from Victim to Victor. In His time, the thing that almost killed you will make you. 

"The way of the LORD is a refuge to the upright"
Proverbs 10:29

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds"
Psalm 147:3

This book helped me a lot. Click the pic to purchase:

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